Matrix, King of All Insults
By: Martha | August 2nd, 2007
The sports people at The London Times seem to be dedicating their summer to publishing lists of the 50 Best/Worst [intert football-related thing here]. So far they’ve pissed people off with their 50 Best (Current) Footballers, insulted Andriy Shevchenko with their 50 Worst Transfers, and mostly ignored goals not scored for English teams in their list of 50 Goals that Rocked Football.
Today, though, they’ve moved beyond football to address sport as a whole, specifically the 50 Greatest Sporting Insults. And some of them are pretty awesome. Take, for example, Giovanni Trapattoni’s response when a reporter asking him whether he’d be taking Paolo Di Canio to the 2004 World Cup: “Only if there’s an outbreak of bubonic plague.” (Man, you gotta love a coach who drops a plague reference — there’s a little historian inside Trap, mark my words.) Or a hard-hearted Premiership spokesman’s response to concerns about frequent heading of the ball resulting in the loss of brain cells: “I don’t think heading a ball has got anything to do with it, footballers are stupid enough anyway.” Oh, snap!
Such is the level of the insults on display here, though, that two gems didn’t even crack the top 15. And the following (surely the best exchange of all time between two cricketers) is only #2: “Why are you so fat?” “Because every time I f*** your wife she gives me a biscuit.” DAAAAAMN. So. What could possibly be so nasty and cutting that it tops even the classic “I did your wife. A lot.” comeback? Do you even need to ask? Of course it’s “Whatever Marco Materazzi said about Zinedine Zidane’s sister. Or his mother or terrorism.”
I was going to come over all righteously indignant here, but I suppose Matrix is the only one whose victim responded with a vicious headbutt, so there may be something to this.
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Comments
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One of my buddies has had 3 concussions from headers. Whereas I have had none in many years of actual contact sports.
I buy that argument.
Posted from
United States
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The important goal list is hilarious, but I can’t think too badly of those journos since they at least placed Totti higher than Rooney (just barely) on the top player list. But then they place Lampard above Ibrahimovic, so yes, they’re at least partially idiots. You just know Tevez would never be near that #8 spot if he were playing in Spain or Italy.
Posted from
Netherlands -
And the whole top 10 are for English clubs, for the love of god. It’d have been much better if they’d just have said “Yes, we’re close-minded. These will all be English.” But no, they have to throw in the odd Swede or Brazilian, just so they can pretend they’re considering the whole world. The fools!
Posted from
United States -
One shouldn’t take English tabloids so seriously. How many Italian players are on the list? 3?
I thought Essien’s synthesis was pretty funny: “You could probably let the rest of the team go off for a fag break in the middle of the game and let him man the fort in midfield.”Btw, Martha I think you meant 2004 Euros, no World Cup that year ;)
Posted from
United States -
I had no idea cricketeers were some awesome. Apart from that legendary (legendary!) statement about biscuits, check out #4;
-”So how are your wife and my kids?”
-”The wife’s fine, the kids are retarded.”Posted from
Netherlands -
YES! That one is utterly brilliant, I agree. Clearly I need to watch more (meaning any) cricket.
Posted from
United States -
No, you don’t. Cricket only works as a drinking game. And there is just something wrong with a game you play for five days that can still end with no result.
Posted from
United States
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