The Return of YouTube Tuesday (on Friday): Figo and Beer
By: Martha | June 15th, 2007
As most of you know, I’m in the middle of a pilgrimage to the Land of Figo, AKA Portugal. In this strange land, Figo is all over the place, whether it’s in interviews on the news, ads on the sides of bus shelters, or in the papers, which (based on my careful examination of the pictures accompanying the articles I can read) seem to go even crazier than I do every time he does so much as, say, sign a contract extension.
He’s also in TV ads constantly or, more precisely, in one ad which runs all the damn time. The ad is for Sagres Zero, the beer that sponsored his foundation’s benefit match last week (Yes, I went. Figo, Zidane, Rui Costa, Ibra, Nakata … It was awesome.), that much I can figure out. But I have no bloody idea what they’re talking about, and at this point the thing is just torturing me by running so often and being so utterly incomprehensible. After the jump, have a look:
What the hell is going on? I get that something really awkward is said to make everyone stop talking and peer around nervously, but that’s pretty much where my comprehension ends.
Here’s my (non-Portuguese-speaking, barely Figo-tolerating) friend Karen’s best guess as to what’s being said:
Scene: Sexy Lisbon bar. Four men are having a good time, shooting the shit, when one looks up, and realize that Figo is sitting alone at the bar. He quickly gets his friends’ attention, and excitedly they all rush over to Figo.
Man #1: Dude, you are so awesome. I love your work!
Figo: Thanks man, thanks.
Man #2: Dude, seriously. You are my favorite player. You’re great.
Figo: I really appreciate that, thanks.
Man #3: Figo, that last play in that last game? INSANE! You are the greatest!
Figo: Hah! You liked that? Yeah, thanks.
They all turn and look expectantly at Man #4.
Man #4: I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I WANT TO GIVE YOU A BLOW JOB!
All men look at him like he’s crazy, one of them puts his head in his hands. Cue announcer talking about great beer.
After the announcer, we return to the five men.
Figo: Dude, I love this beer so much, I want to give IT a blow job.
Cue “ah, we’re back in safe territory” laughter.
And, scene.
(She’s close, isn’t she? I mean, gay jokes and beer ads go together like peanut butter and jelly, right?)
Come on, Portuguese-speakers/good guessers/ad-men — what’s going on here? Help a sister out.
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Sounds about right to me. Incidentally, I’ve never heard and/or paid any attention to the Portuguese language. I thought it’d sound as nice or close to Italian, but it sounded kinda gross. Like they crossed Spanish with Kazakh or something.
Posted from
United States
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I don’t speak a word of the language but I think that translation is 100% accurate.
Posted from
United States -
Sorry, it is all about his wife I am afraid ;) who is espectacular apparently as is the beer. Hope she gets paid for the mention at least.
Espectacular means duh spectacular, it´s slang meaning more or less awesome. The fans are talking of his playing, the poor dude puts his foot on his mouth and mentions the awesomeness of his wife, ice installed, ice broken with the agreement that the beer is awesome. The media coverage seems to be about the charity game, usually the lot of media/ad coverage seems to be about that other Portugal “extremo”.
Posted from
Portugal -
I’ve been in love with Portuguese since “City of God” - to me it sounds like a very weird mix of French and Italian, except I can’t understand a single word.
Martha: you forgot Figo’s lines at the end of the spot, where he admits to scoring goals only because he looks forward to the giant sweaty man-piles. I think he also mentioned his crush on Mutu. Feel free to faint… now.
Posted from
United States -
Did somebody say blow job?
Posted from
United States -
The wife! Of course! Thank you, T. I figured they were say “spectacular,” but I couldn’t figure out what the last guy said that was different enough to cause the silence. That damn Helen.
As for you, Bobo, why you just get hotter and hotter.
Posted from
Portugal -
I’m sorry, Mike — what was the question?
(Honestly, I’m a little frightened by how transparent I am — I mean, I’ve carefully avoided saying anything about sweaty manpiles.)
Posted from
Portugal -
I love it too, Mike, mostly because it’s so weird. Definitely a Slavic sound, Muddia, you’re right — lots of sort of guttural sounds, and sssssssh noises. I’ve learned the correct pronunciation of my hero’s name is “Luish Figou.” Makes him sound sort of like a sushi disease.
Posted from
Portugal -
I started to read your article, but got distracted by the picture. Now I know how guys reading “Playboy” feel.
Posted from
United States -
Oh, and? Did somebody say “Sweaty manpiles”?
Damn. This day just gets better and better.
Posted from
United States -
His wife is a myth, a legend to portuguese males. Figo´s wife, ah, the ad seems to have got that reaction right. Not that I really get it not being a portuguese male though I will agree she is beautiful and seems nice and seems to keep a pretty low profile. Well, it´s probably her contribution for the charity as well.
Posted from
Portugal -
Despite the pain her mere existence causes me, even I can admit that the woman is stunningly gorgeous. And she’s classy, for a WAG — where’s that showgirl career, Helen? Hmm?
Posted from
Portugal -
Classy for a WAG? Is that like saying someone’s pretty sober for a cokehead? Or pretty moral for a hooker?
Hey, has anyone seen Bobo around. I was supposed to babysit him and he just ran off……..
Posted from
United States -
That just made me laugh out loud, Chris. (Thank god I don’t work in an office.) Bobo Vieri: Comedy Gold. Who knew?
Posted from
Portugal -
Chris, I think he snuck off to the Lyon page when you weren’t looking. Although he is over 30, so you might check MLS too.
Posted from
United States -
Actually, as a portuguese I might cast some light…
1) “Bobo” is also slang for blow-job in portuguese, ;-)although I believe the brasilians use other words…
2) Helen is not only gorgeous, she’s a million light years ahead of Victoria, to give a quick example… Helen’s got style - maybe even class - and Victoria is… Well… She’s got something, but “she wants to”, to much… Consequently, she spoils it all… But she is cute…
3) The sound of portuguese, from PT and BRA are actually somewhat different. BRA is “portuguese singing”, so to speak… Foreigners usually say the same, when they realize it’s not some sort of spanish… They all say it sounds like russian… That’s cos all the shh and J sounds. The closest language is the currently rated as dialect “Galician”, from Galicia in Northern Spain. Same origins but portuguese is an official language since the 13 century (could you believe it…). Generically, and gramatically, it’s pretty much the same as castillan (spanish) or italian. Some sounds also exist in french (the nasal sounds), but portuguese has a lot more of these…So, it’s the perfect “secret language”. Gramatically it’s just 2000 years old Latin (like spanish, italian, french and romanian might still fit in). Phonetically is a bit tricky, cos there’s a lot of vowal sounds… ;-) So, I guess any spaniard or italian, with a bit of efford, could easily read the papers without lessons. But they wouldn’t understand a word, when listening… At least it’s what they say…
If you come from Lisbon (Lx), some others usually say it’s like praying, cos it’s sort of mumbled. In Porto is already a very different accent. And they talk louder and are not so distant. Et cetera…
Have fun there Martha (how I envy you)… Have a drink for me. Try Caipirinha, a brasillian invention, that should be awarded the chemistry Nobel… ;-) Or a nice “Douro” for dinner… ;-)
Posted from
Netherlands -
Pedro is a “douro” is one of those fish that menus are called “dourada,” I eat one pretty much every day for lunch — so, so good! (Just by themselves, they make me want to move here.)
And I can attest to the mumbling — even as I gradually learn a few words, I can never pick them out of the giant, unenunciated sentences in which people talk here! I think it would take me years to be able to understand more than just greetings. (And yes, it’s SO much like Latin, which I took in school and very sadly was dreadful at.)
Will look out for this fabled Caipirinha, thanks for the tip!
Posted from
Portugal -
Douro is a wine form the wine region (guess) Douro…
It’s named after the river that in the city of Porto meets the Sea. Like in Lisbon Tejo meets the Sea. In Spain they call it Duero, which is pretty much the same - “of gold” (de + ouro = Douro). It’s along this river that the Port-Wine vinyeards grow…
You have 3 big wine regions in PT: Douro (small properties but a lot of them, quite hilly a lot of rain); Alentejo, also the name of the province south of Lisbon; (south of Lisbon, flat, very big properties, very hot and dry); and the region Dao, central part of PT.
There are more (Setubal, Ribatejo, etc) and no less good. I suggested Douro, because it’s my favourite. ;-)
Check out Belem (west Lx border) and visit “Pasteis de Belem” - the “original” for the custard cake you can find all over the country, next to Jeronimos Monastery - took 50 years to build, a tumb itslef of king D Manuel I, in the time Lisbon was the richest capital in Europe… ;-) The so called “Capital of the Empire”, long time ago… Recipy for those custard cakes is still a secret… ;-)
That’s the problem with PT… Mostly, people don’t know it exists. When they go there, they never forget it. Some do, but what do they know…? ;-). Even if they don’t move in… Some also do that…
Check out the Bairro Alto area, for drinks. You can also find nice restaurants there. Also in the night scene, you can try the “Docas” area, southwest of BA - a bit more posh and less interesting.
You should also try Lux, East part close to Sta Apolonia Train Station. Even if only once. I imagine with the weather, they have the balcony open (ceilling)… One of the colest places in Europe, but of course, it depends on the taste… I guess also open in the late afternoon - the nicests sunset, with a Martini, you can find… ;-)
They might also be open till morning, so if the weather’s good, at some 8 am, or whenever they close, they open the “doors” (like huge windows) and suddently the sun floods in…
“Santos” area is also OK… But there’s so much more…
If you need a tip, just ask… ;-) Above all, ENJOY LISBON…! Just feel it and let yourself be involved by the atmosfere…
You must see Sintra, in the outskirsts… Gloomy, poetic, mystery village, a temple for poets and magical souls… Visit the Quinta da Regaleira - I’m sure it’ll impress you.
BTW Dourada is great :-), but I don’t know the name in ENG. It’s almost the same as “Robalo”, I think it’s seabass, this one. Grilled, hmm… :-) But then, try it with a nice white, or even green… Foreigners usually love green whine… As for the language, I’m sure you’re better than you think. You’re just not used to it…
Espero que curtas Lisboa e que acima de tudo te divirtas, Martha. Beijinhos… ;-) Bebe uma Caipirinha por mim.
Posted from
Netherlands
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